Cooking Without Food

I wrote this in 1983. Somehow, after all these years, it's as silly as the day I wrote it.


With food being the target of an ever-increasing variety of studies, and with its being connected to a growing list of diseases (obesity, heart disease, high blood pressure, food poisioning, cancer, choking, malnutrition, starvation) the demand for recipes of this sort has grown tremendously over the last few years.


I first became aware of cooking without food in 1977 when I met a lady who was shopping for her family's Thanksgiving dinner in a trophy shop. "These bowling trophies make excellent potroasts," she said to me in a flaccid whisper. "Is that so!" I cried, cringing at her apparent lack of sanity. To my surprise, she whipped out a huge book of recipes, insisting I try them. I reeled back with aplomb.

Later, though, I studied the recipes with growing excitement. Could this be the answer to my gout? Could it make me healthy again?

For a week I tried the recipes on my family. My husband Cookie really liked the ashtray soup, but said later it gave him gallstones. So, having always been proud of my leftovers, I served gallstones with tarp and undried cement the next night. What a hit!

After that, I was hooked. Now, each night we look forward with glee to our family dinner. And the lunches I fix for the children! And some other stuff.

A Few Things You'll Need

Since the changeover to cooking without food is a fairly radical one for most people, it is quite likely that you'll have to pick up some new appliances, storage containers, cooking pots, and things like that. Here is a list of some things you'll want to have:

sandblaster                 white mice                   construction crew

atomic bomb               pharmacy                     small canyon

lapidary shop              lathe                            force field

welding tools              cement mixer               active geyser

space station               seismograph                Antarctica

Most of these things can be bought wherever such things are sold.

The Recipes

The recipes which I have included here come from many sources: these include the lady in the trophy store, my own vivid imagination, friends of mine, lepers, martians, and sentient measles. Cooking times vary, as you'll find--depending mostly on the density of the ingredients. But none take longer than an era, and all of them are delicious! Usually.

STUFFED FOOTBALL HELMETS

I learned this recipe from an articulate baboon in the outback. This is a handy one, requiring very little seasoning due to the aromatic qualities of the padding inside the helmet.

6 medium-sized football helmets (use ones from different teams for a colorful dinner table)!
2 1/2 erector sets
3 oz. dandruff shampoo
(optional) 8-10 phone numbers
hydrogen atoms to taste

Pulverize erector sets back to stone age. Stir gradually into shampoo and store mixture in a Venusian volcano for three lifetimes, stirring every six seconds twice. Add hydrogen atoms until crucial, and fill helmets .3579 of the way to the top. Sprinkle with phone numbers, and bake in lower one-third of a supernova for about seven. Serve hot.



MISCELLANEOUS STEW

A good one for those cold winter nights. Takes little time, and it's a meal all in itself!

6 hollowed-out dentist's offices
3 plastic dog brushes
2 lbs. styrofoam
cigarettes

Mix everything together in a small agricultural society, taking care not to fall in. Allow to simmer over homework for three seconds and pour into bowls. For a really fancy touch, top with obscure historical novels.



NOODLES & PHILOSOPHY

The best noodles for this dish are those cut by a banshee out of surgical tubing. This was given to me by a matriculating stone giant from the future.

6 cups noodles
the works of three major 18th century philosophers
maybe something else

Liquify philosophy. Mix in noodles and boil long enough. Pour over a chessboard and serve randomly.



POACHED TENNIS BALLS

Serves at least one, and I know that for sure because I did it once and I counted him as he moved to the Ozarks. Later on, he was traded to the Phillies.

6-8 cups tennis balls
4 cups pus

Bring pus to a boil. Introduce them and place the boil near the pus for ten minutes. Then drop in tennis balls (careful so you don't inhale them!) and let them sit with boil and pus for half an hour. Have an abortion, and then exasperate the ingredients. Ponder. Serves one.



ZESTY SALAD

On a hot day, when you don't want anything heavy, try this light salad. For a dressing, try anti-freeze or boxkite juice.

2 cups microchips
6 1/2 dirigibles, diced
3.14159 Rothko paintings, torn
25% of the Mexican hats you can find, mutilated
6 lungfulls of Pampers, embalmed

Toss ingredients. Retrieve them and apologize, patronizing them with a clipboard. Petrify. Tell them you wish they had more directional sense. Serves three more than it used to.



CANNON BALL LOAF

A hearty one. Will remind you of someone in third grade.

4 cannon balls
1 cup chopped microscope
1/2 tsp aborigine phlegm
3 abandoned meatlockers, retarded
3 cups purified card games

Mix ingredients well. Turn into a breadpan. Then, turn into a bird and fly to New Zealand. Acquire pencils. Localize them for an hour. Turn into a bear. Then, turn into a ham sandwich and let your friends eat you. Serves two.

Good eating on the road to good health! Goodbye!

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